Scientists Can Predict Which Hand Men Use To Masturbate By How They Open Jars of Pickles

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If you pay attention, you can tell how guys pleasure themselves simply from how they open a jar.

Scientists from the National Masturbation Institute of America concluded that men use the same hand to open cans as well as masturbate. Their findings were published in the 13th edition of the NMIA Magazine.

The study consisted of 500 men volunteering ten minutes of their time. Each subject masturbated, then filled out a questionnaire with one question on it: which hand did you use to pleasure yourself? Then, each subject opened a jar of whoop-ass, and answered the question, “Which hand did you use to open that can/jar of whoop-ass?”

The results were stunning. A whopping 95% of the participants used the same hand when the came into the Kleenex and when they opened the jar. Four percent used their opposite hand, and five men total used both hands to masturbate like they were building a fire, rubbing their personal stick back and forth.

They also found that most right-handed people (73% of the participants) opened their cans (and opened their sperm-hole) with their left hand.

He’s a left-handed pleasure seeker.

It “Came” As No Surprise

The results didn’t surprise the researchers. “The same rotating motion done while opening a jar is the same as one does while pleasuring themselves. Our assumptions were correct on this one,” said Dr. Hagatha Longert, lead researcher and masturbation expert from Arizona State University. “Women can now notice their partner’s alone time habits any time their loved one opens a jar. And single ladies can find out quickly what kind of man he is from a distance.”

As for future studies, researchers say they will figure out if women can practice hand jobs by opening jars themselves.

This was the first installment of Satire Saturday. Yes, it’s gross and graphic, but I still love you, Grandma.