Satire Sunday #2: What a Season to Throw Stuff

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Welcome back to Satire Sunday, where I write a few satirical articles that have a chance to make at least one person laugh. Or giggle.

Below are articles about throwing your smartphone, shaving your chest hair, and Chris Paul dribbling the basketball too much.

Enjoy…


 

Smartphone satire

How To Best Throw Your Old Smartphone After Buying the New iPhone X

With the new iPhone X coming out soon, there will be millions of other phones thrown away or thrown on the ground. Instead of gently placing the phone in the garbage can, here are some tips to make sure your smartphone is thrown the farthest away from other humans.

Skip It Across the Pond

If you want to retrieve your phone after throwing it in the pond, bring a Ziplock bag of rice with you to soak up all the water in your phone.

But if you don’t care and would like to skip your phone all the way across the pond, here’s the best technique:

  1. Hold the phone correctly. Put your index finger is on the top-left corner of the phone (or bottom-right corner — either way doesn’t matter). A longer phone might be a detriment to your throwing ability, so try skipping it with the iPhone 4 or 6S. Samsung phones are usually bigger than iPhones, but this will still work.
  2. Make sure your arm is cocked sideways. Instead of throwing over the top, you want your arm to be parallel with the water. That’ll give your phone the most skips and travel the furthest across the water.
  3. When you throw, lead with your elbow. This creates a slingshot-action with your arm, letting the phone be the last thing you throw.
  4. Flick that wrist. This takes a lot of practice, so use some flat rocks first before you skip your smartphone. With all of your momentum going forward, you want to create a spinning action with the phone. Making it spin will create that skipping action and fly straighter than if you just threw it normally without the wrist flick.
  5. Watch it fly. Count the number of skips. I’ve gotten to 5 with my old phone. See if you can beat it.

 

Discus Throw

If you’re not a big fan of skipping it across the pond, you could throw it like a discus thrower. These are best for bigger phones, since you can use your entire hand for this action.

Here’s the discus technique:

  1. Hold the phone with your palm down. Doesn’t matter where your fingers are, because they’ll hopefully let the phone go when you chuck it.
  2. Spin around three times. Not enough to get your dizzy, but enough to generate momentum on the toss.
  3. Let gravity do it’s thing. Since you’re spinning, let the centrifugal force do all the work, and let go at the apex of your spin. Again, think like a slingshot and chuck it as far as you can.
  4. Measure using a tape measure. You want to be accurate, so measure in metric, since that’s what professionals use. I’ve thrown mine about 5 meters. See how far you can throw it.

 

Tomahawk Throw

If you’ve ever seen the Atlanta Braves and their fans, or the Cleveland Indians, or any other racist team names for Native Americans, you’ll see something called the Tomahawk Chant. The entire stadium says the letter “O” in long, drawn-out phrases. It’s supposed to represent a Native chant, but it’s very racist.

Anyway, they chop their arms like they’re chopping wood. You can also throw your smartphone in this way:

  1. Hold your thumb and forefinger at the base of the phone, near the home button.
  2. Take your arm back like you’re throwing an overhand pitch in baseball or an overhand throw in Ultimate Frisbee.
  3. Chuck it. Nothing to this one.

If you’re looking for more ideas on how to throw your smartphone, I don’t know where to lead you. I couldn’t find any other websites that have tips on how to best throw your old smartphone.


 

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Shave Your Chest Hair: Body Hair Is Most Flammable While Camping

To all men: when camping, please shave your chest hair.

Only you can prevent fires from starting from your hairy man-body.

Studies have shown that most forest fires were from hairy men trying to start fires next to their bodies. Once the embers grabbed onto the hair, it would spread throughout the entire forest, creating a new fire from the start.

There’s a chemical in body hair called Recatchafilia, which is named after Michael Recatch, who discovered that his body hair was flammable.

“I was trying to cook us dinner in the Rockies, and my hair caught on fire,” recalls Recatch. “It didn’t burn my skin, but I felt the smoke come up my nostrils. Once I fought off the flames, I noticed that the embers were still lit. Lots of dead leaves were on the ground, which started a new fire. Thankfully, we invited Smokey the Bear on our camping trip.”

Recatch went on to say that Smokey stopped, dropped to the ground, and rolled around the new fire to put it out.

Another story out of Oregon came from a lady who forgot to shave her legs and started a fire.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” said Sally Rally at the time of the fire. “I was chilled out, smoking a joint, when all of a sudden, my leg hairs caught on fire. The new embers from my leg hair fell off, and all of a sudden, it spread like one of those fires out in the wild.”

To make sure your body hair doesn’t cause any more wildfires, here are some tips you can do to prevent them, according to Smokey the Bear’s spokesperson, Ash Woods:

Always wear long-sleeved shirts and pants. “The number one way to prevent this from happening is to never wear shorts or bikini tops,” says Woods. “If you have hairy toes, also wear socks at all times.”
Don’t worry about the hair on your head. “For some reason, your scalp is fine,” says Woods. “There haven’t been any instances where the top of your head is flammable, and we’ve done independent research on our hair, and nothing happened.”
Spray your body with non-flammable sunscreen. Sometimes the spray sunscreen can cause the hair to be more flammable. “There are some companies, like Gorgeous Sunny and Relax Dave, who have created some non-flammable and non-stinky sunscreen. Use these on your arms and legs to prevent fires.”
Love your neighbor. Antagonizing one another can also lead to fires. “The gods will look down upon your campsite if you’re all being douchebags and assholes to one another,” says Woods. “Love them, and this will never happen.”

Check out Ash Woods’ website, It’s a Hairy Situation.


 

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Chris Paul Ejected For Flattening Ball From Dribbling Too Hard

Kyrie Irving thinks the world is flat. Chris Paul creates a flat Earth — by dribbling too much.

Paul was ejected for creating a flat ball during the third quarter of last night’s basketball game between the Houston Rockets and the New Orleans Pelicans.

After Paul dribbled up the court, he stood at the top of the key, directing traffic to his teammates. With about ten seconds left on the shot clock, he pounded the ball so hard that it flattened like a pancake. The referees called timeout, while the entire crowd was stunned in silence.

“I’ve never seen that before in my life,” said Mike D’Antoni, head coach for the Houston Rockets. “It was a bizarre way to stop the game.”

His teammates were flabbergasted. “There wasn’t much of a warning,” said James Harden, who had 27 points to go along with one concerned look on his face. “I was running along the baseline and heard a loud ‘pop,’ like a balloon at a birthday party going off. I could see a few people in the crowd jump out of their seats. It was kinda scary.”

There are three other replacement balls at each NBA game, so the officials replaced the flattened orb with another. The aftermath of the incident was what caused the controversy.

“I can understand stopping the game, but ejecting me for wasting a $100 basketball,” asked Paul, rhetorically to reporters after the game. “I’d rather pay the fine for a new basketball. But it’s whatever.

“I’m glad I could make history for once in my life. If I don’t win a championship, I’d like this to be my defining moment.”

His coach believes Paul will change his game after the incident, which sports reporter Bob Villa calls it the “Banging of the Ball by Chris Paul.”

“We’ve been telling Chris to play within the system and stop dribbling too much,” said D’Antoni. “Hopefully this is a lesson for him.”