Satire Sunday #1: What the Hell Is This?

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Welcome to my first edition of Satire Sunday, where I create silly articles. Each one will have a unique section, like business and sports and fitness.

If this satire thing goes over well, I might write this more often. Or never.

No pressure, but only you can decide whether I should write more funny articles or not.

So, yeah. Have at it.

Picking nose cow tongue

Most Successful Businessmen Pick Their Noses

One day, Mr. Kurt noticed his boss picking his nose. He didn’t think much of it. When there’s an obstruction, you gotta get it out, right?

The next day, Mr. Kurt sees his boss pick his nose again. This time, his boss ate whatever was on his finger.

Disgusting. Like, seriously. What the piss?

Mr. Kurt had to stop the atrocity.

He goes over to his boss, sits him down, and asks him straight up: do you pick your nose and eat your boogers?

His boss was appalled. At first. But, after Mr. Kurt coaxed him with a gentle touch on his arm, he opened up like a blooming onion. “Yeah, I pick and eat. It saves time.”

Mr. Kurt then asked the local university to do a study on this new phenomenon. Researchers at the University of Snottingburg found that 65% of all CEOs or owners of Fortune 500 companies pick their nose, and 32% eat their boogers.

“This gives us great insight into the minds of those who are successful in Corporate America,” said Dr. Hagart Bottomsworth, the lead researcher in the mind-boggling study. “It’s one more step to greatness for those who want to follow in their footsteps.”

If we wanna be great, we must pick our nose. Here’s why:

Reasons Why Picking Your Nose Is Great

Saves Time

If we can’t find a Kleenex, we have to use our arms. That’s more disgusting, especially when we have to shake someone’s hand after making a million-dollar business deal. It also takes time to run to the bathroom, so why not use the time to 1) make sure no one is looking and 2) dig deep into our consciousness. Speaking of digging…

Makes Us Smarter

Because we’re digging out the passage way to our brain, we’re clearing it up for smart stuff to enter through the nostrils. In case you didn’t know, there are intelligent whispers floating all around us. By clearing the boogers out through picking and digging at it with our fingers, we’re making way for the whispers to float up into our mushy brain.

Snot makes us dumber, clogging our system. Let’s get them drained out through picking our nose.

Connects Us With Nature

A breath through the nostrils will bring peace and comfort to all. That’s what one CEO described as his reason to pick his nose. We can’t meditate without an open passageway through the nose. How will we connect to the great beyond and experience life outside of ourselves?

Source of Protein

For those who snack on boogers as a burger, we have a way to keep us energized throughout the day. We can fire useless humans wasting company time. The protein helps with yelling at subordinates.

Great Diet

It also tastes pretty good. We don’t need any other food in our system, since we’re refueling our body with protein and love. If we need to lose weight, why not eat our boogers?

Woman working out stretching

Correct Ways of Working Out

Don’t listen to any other work out video. This is the last one you’ll ever need to read. Because this shit will last forever.

Wear Jeans Confidently

We won’t ever fight a bear in our gym shorts. More likely, we’ll be in our hiking jeans and a bandana. So, let’s work out in that. Adapt to the environment. And if we can work out in blue jeans, no one will want to mess with us. But we have to strut confidently around the gym, letting the rest of the gym know they are pansies for wearing “athletic shorts” and a cup.

Yell Constantly

This is a mating call, letting the other females and males know that we are in charge. We have to fuck shit up. Women don’t like men who are quiet and confident. They love men who are loud, boisterous and insecure about their masculinity. To mask the problem, we shall keep yelling and grunting after each rep. We all will have bigger biceps and bigger bimbos on our arms tonight.

NO Machines

Do you think cavemen had ellipticals? Or kale? Exactly. And they were all ripped. Remember the movie 300? Yeah, they didn’t have Internet.

Don’t use the machines. Instead, try our all-in-one non-machine that is like a rowing machine, bench press and leg press all in one. It’s called the Knees-and-Row-System. Act now and receive a discount. Scroll to the bottom to order this piece of shit.

Pick Your Nose

Screw protein shakes. Eat those boogers. Studies show that these work. Trust me.

Forget Your Legs

We walk from our car to our desk all the time. Right? Then we don’t need to lift with our legs. Done. All arms, all day. Very easy to do.

That’s it.

Ladybugs sex

New NFL Rule Allows Players to Have Sex With Wives During Game

The NFL today has passed a ruling that will allow players and coaches to have sex with their wives or side pieces or significant others during the game.

Up to 10 players on each team can have sex whenever they want, but it’s on a 5-minute time limit. Once the 5 minutes are up, the next athlete can use the facilities however they wish.

According to the press release, the NFL states that this will hopefully “lead to less domestic violence off the field. It’s a precautionary measure to keep our product pure and clean.”

The same can’t be said for the sex rooms.

Players will enter a side room next to the locker rooms, which will have Barry White playing all the time in the background. Women will be primed and ready to go during the game. Once the player comes off the field and comes onto the woman, it’s game on.

“Man, this is a great idea,” said John Black, wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals. “All that testosterone keeps getting bottled up, and I want to smash someone’s face in. But once I release all of my worries onto my woman, man, I mean, wow, I feel alive.”

The Cardinals have practiced this act during practices and walk-throughs, and coaches have seen a significant improvement in their team’s ability to get energized and keep going.

What Critics Are Saying

Critics have said this will be a detriment to the game.

“We’re turning into wussies,” said Anonymous Football Player. “Seriously, we have to keep that aggression on the field, or else our teams won’t win. I still prefer hitting my [female woman that rhymes with ‘witch’] after the game, not during it.”

Another critic says that teams will try to sabotage the others. “I’d have a blonde planted in the room, turn the lights off, and have the other players intentionally cheat on their wives. That will go over well. Divorce rates will skyrocket across the league, all because [Bill] Belichick will find a way to plant a [female woman] in the room.”

As for Robert Gronk, “he’ll be fine. It might actually make him a super hero, having sex during the entire defensive series.”

Overall, though, the reactions have been positive.

“If anything, this brings the game to a whole new level,” says Turt Farner, former quarterback for the St. Louis (now Los Angeles) Rams. “There would be this love that hasn’t permeated the field in forever, and we’re trying to get back to the samurai way of keeping life in a balance, keeping it all in perspective. Who gives a fuck who we’re fucking, right?”

Also, the NFL said all un-used semen will be collected and donated to sperm banks across the US to create more NFL players.

Goose flying on water

Basketball Player Charged for Breaking the Goose’s Neck

Greg Hand, junior basketball player for St. North High School, has been charged with endangering animals after he killed a goose by breaking her neck. According to his friends, Hand had been muttering “break the goose’s neck” after basketball practice.

“He must have taken that to heart,” said Kyle Kluber, sophomore point guard for the Manly Polar Bears. “I guess we do have a lake around back, but I didn’t think he’d go out and do it.”

Fred Flint, head coach of St. North, said he didn’t mean it literally. “But Greg has a hard time with metaphors and concepts. I guess I spaced out and said something I wasn’t supposed to say.”

Most coaches, according to Flint, say shooters should follow-through with their shot and “break the goose’s neck” with their arm extended forward and their hand snapped down to the ground.

Hand went behind the school, where the school’s sewage lake was. After studying the patterns for a few geese, he picked the weakest one out of the bunch. Using his two hands, he snapped her neck like a twig.

That night, he de-feathered her, carved her up, and roasted her in his oven. His family then ate the plump goose. According to the family attorney, there was no comment on how tasty the goose was.

The next day, Hand showed up to practice with goose meat and a picture of his dead goose on his iPhone. Assistant coach Dale Dennison contacted the authorities, and they immediately arrested Hand on the spot.

Hand was not available for comment, as he was getting booked for cooking a goose.