Are Quiet Cars Killing People? The Answer Won’t Surprise You That Much…

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A Prius gets into an accident. The other vehicles involved in the accident sue Mark Napoleon Watson, the driver of the Prius, because his car was in stealth mode. They argue that his car was too quiet for the other drivers, since they didn’t know his Prius was turning left at the intersection.

In Chicago, a pedestrian was run over by another smart car going less than five miles an hour. Even though Haley Baley, the pedestrian, survived the wreck, she claims that she didn’t hear it coming.

Overall, there have been three deaths from these quiet hybrid cars since the invention of the automobile. So the question remains: are quiet cars killing more people?

We asked leading experts in their field and what we found would not surprise you one bit.

“Hahaha that’s a no,” said Brady Bunches, a car manufacturer who acts like a total douche in real life, said in an email. Another executive said that this was the dumbest question they’d ever heard.

“You’re going at it the wrong way,” said Gabby Duggy, an expert in this new-found technology called sound. “I think people are dying because they’re bored out of their goddamn minds. We all need some sort of noise in our life. Have you been in a quiet room, with no noise whatsoever? It’s why it’s called an insane asylum.

“If drivers don’t have their radios turned on, what are they listening to? Nothing. Since cars today have quiet interiors and quiet exteriors, the driver is in their own insane asylum. So the only way they have enjoyment is to either crash into other cars or other people.”

Car of choice. Don’t look at the front of it, though. There might be evidence there.

The Quiet Test Of Ages

So we tested out Duggy’s theory. We chose a Prius since they were the #1 killer in America. After turning the radio off, I felt this weird feeling I’d never felt before. I wanted something exciting to happen. Sure, the world outside of my window was flashing by, but that didn’t matter. I couldn’t hear anything. I could have rolled down the window, but that’s cheating. Also, it was 105 degrees in Las Vegas, and that would have been torture for everyone in the car. Three sweaty dudes are not my idea of a good vacation.

I had to get out of there. So I ran into another car. It was exhilarating and freeing. Until I was in court and had to pay $1 million in restitution.

But it was worth answering the question: are quiet cars killing people?

The answer is… whatever.