How To Produce the Perfect, Largest, No-Wipe Poop Of Your Life

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Your phone vibrates. It’s your sister. You open your phone, go into your messages, and see a picture of the largest brown snake you’ve seen sticking out of the water. You’ve seen multiple messages like this. Each one was art, a piece of that person’s soul coming out in the picture.

The caption reads, “I win.” You’re hurt and defeated, since you held the previous record for the largest poop in your family.

And, if you think about it, your sister probably didn’t have to wipe after that record-breaking poop. So, how did she do it? How can you break her record and produce the perfect, largest, no-wipe poop of your life?

Below are a few tips to help you push out your own poop baby:

Toilet in the middle of nowhere

1. Diet

Listen to Jamie Lee Curtis and buy those yogurts with probiotics. But if you’re lactose-intolerant or don’t like dairy products, eat that fiber. Herbs and spices also help. Healthy fats like coconut oil will give you a leg up on your competition.

In essence, eat a healthy diet. People react differently to each food or drink, so test them out and see which ones work for you.

But don’t eat too much fiber or drink coffee if you’re already pooping regularly. Sometimes that can create an even messier poop than you intended since your metabolism is too fast. Remember, we’re going after the perfect poop. If you’re constipated, that’s a different story*.

2. Exercise

Give your poop room to breathe deep within your bowels through exercise. Training for an Ironman will help, but exercise could be just moving around. You could stand at your desk. There are even certain yoga poses you can do to get your poop to come out clean.

Frog sitting on a toilet

3. Meditate and wait

Sometimes we go too soon. That’s why there’s still a bunch of crap stuck up in there, leaving skid marks on your toilet paper. It’s best to wait until the last possible second. That gives your intestines time to work.

(Disclaimer: don’t wait too long, or else your stomach will growl at you.)

Once you sit, don’t do anything else. Be in the moment. Take your mindfulness practices to the next level and let it go. The body follows the mind.

You can’t rush art.

4. Set a routine to stay balanced

Humans are built on routines. We all have our favorite coffee shops and when we like to brush our teeth. But routines can help you produce the best poop.

It’s all about that perfect balance, that happy medium. Eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly, and meditate or do mind exercises. Your siblings will be so jealous of your poops.

Speaking of siblings, happy birthday to that sister who produces the largest poops on Earth.

*If you can’t go, then it’s not fun. For constipation problems, you can try some of these tips. If not, go see a doctor. Please.