How to Make Coffee Without Fancy Machines

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Before I go any further, I want you all to know this: I still love all of you.

I’m not like you. I’m different. I hope you still accept me and read my blog.

Anyway…

I can’t drink coffee. The caffeinated stuff.

Remember that one poem I wrote, where I got the jitters and went crazy? Yeah, you won’t like me when I’m me — on cocaine.

Caffeine is my non-addictive cocaine. That’s why I’ve gone cold turkey from caffeinated coffee. It kinda sucks not being able to function for a while after drinking the stuff.

That’s why I switched to decaf.

Then what’s the point in drinking coffee?

I need to poop.

Oh, good call.

Now that we have that out of the way, I go to coffee shops to get decaf coffee every morning. And that’s expensive. The Wi-Fi with a cup of coffee isn’t cheap.

Sure, it’s all tax-deductible because a democratic government exists. Still. I like cheaper options. Maybe something that will help me sleep in most mornings.

Wait, why am I talking about coffee today, September 29, 2017?

It’s National Coffee Day! And I wanted to talk about how we can make coffee without a coffee maker.

I didn’t know we could do any of these things. Thank God the Atlas Coffee Club wrote an article about it. Yeah, I’ll dive into what they said, but I’m also gonna add a few more tips of my own that I found through my excellent research skills.

Yay.

Horse mountains cowboy

Cowboy Method

Theoretically, we’re all cowboys. Laying ‘round, talkin’ ‘bout life ‘n’ stuff, puttin’ apostrophes in our words, them there.

I guess cowboys drank coffee back in the day without them fancy machines. Let’s find out how they made coffee during the wild west:

      1. Have no filter, like my mouth
      2. Get some cold water
      3. Get some ground coffee
      4. Mix them up.
      5. Get a saucepan and put it on medium-high heat. Or, for maximum cowboy, put it over an open flame, preferably an upside-down fire (I’ll explain later).
      6. Bring the pot to a boil. Don’t watch the pot. Or else it won’t boil. Let it sit for 45 seconds
      7. Stir the mixture after 45 seconds. You don’t want loose grinds stuck to the sides of the saucepan.
      8. Let it boil for 2 minutes. Grinds should sink, like my self-esteem after I get rejected by a woman at the bar.
      9. Then, pour the coffee. The grinds should stay in the bottom of the pan. For maximum efficiency (aka no grinds in your coffee at all), use a ladle or a strainer.

Exact measurement amounts:

Cold Water: For one cup of joe (12 ounces), use 13 ounces. It might evaporate.
Coffee: One tablespoon (tbsp) per 5 ounces, or 2.4 tablespoons for a cup of coffee.

You can change the measurements however you like.

Espresso cup of coffee

Turkish Coffee

It’s the method the Turks use, not the type of drink they have. Big difference.

Here’s a fun fact: In Turkish cultures, as part of the traditional marital process, the bride and groom have a special ritual that involves the Turkish coffee method. When the man proposes to the woman, both families are present. The bride-to-be makes the coffee. She gives the entire room sugar in their coffee, but puts salt in the groom’s cup.

All the guy has to do is not make a face while drinking his coffee. According to tradition, this proves he’s man enough to marry the woman, and he’s also a patient person for dealing with salty coffee. It’s a sign for a long and happy marriage.

Hmm. I make a face when I drink bitter coffee. Now I know why I’m single.

Here we go:

      1. Get cold water
      2. Get some sugar
      3. Get some coffee
      4. Mix coffee and sugar and water in a small pot
      5. DON’T STIR
      6. Lower the heat when the coffee grounds sinks and the sugar dissolves.
      7. Now you may stir
      8. As the coffee gets thicker and foam at the top, pour into the cup. You might have to do this two or three times before you finish the entire batch of coffee. Let it sit so the grinds sink to the bottom.
      9. Now you can drink it

Exact measurements:

Cold Water: 5 ounces (or an espresso cup)
Coffee: 1 heaping teaspoon
Sugar: 1 Tablespoon (tbsp)
Salt: same as sugar — if you dare

Coffee desk laptop

Tea-Bag for Coffee, aka Coffee-Bag

I get tea all the time, especially the herbal stuff. Gotta slow down.

I can do the same with coffee.

I might have to do this the next time I’m breathing oxygen. Which is tomorrow. Or today, National Coffee Day.

      1. Get coffee filter
      2. Put it on flat surface.
      3. Place desired amount of coffee onto filter
      4. Wrap four ends of the filter, then tie the ends together. It’ll look like a trash bag or a dumpling, but it’s for your coffee.
      5. Separately from that stuff, boil the freaking water.
      6. Once hot, take off the stove, pour water into cup.
      7. For best results, only put a little bit of water into cup, and let the grounds soak for 30 seconds. If not, you can skip to the tea-bagging part, where you…
      8. Pour water into cup and let your coffee bag steep for 4 minutes.

Exact measurements:

Coffee: 2.5 tablespoons (tbsp) for a single cup
Water: 12 ounces (or one cup of joe)

French press coffee

There are other inexpensive things you can buy that are not coffee makers or espresso machines.

Like…

French Press

My sister has one of these. It’s pretty neat.

I still don’t know what it does, but whatever. Let’s do some research to find out:

[Does extensive research that takes seconds to do]

From what I’ve found, it looks like you just mix coffee and water in a cup. But, the water has to be precisely [insert temperature] degrees Fahrenheit. Then, after precisely [insert number] minutes, you push the plunger thing down to the bottom to push the grinds down.

Then pour.

Hmm. Next time I’m at my sister’s house in Las Vegas, I’ll borrow hers without returning it.

Manual Coffee Grinder

Hate going to the gym? People make fun of your handshakes because they’re weak? Try using your fingers to grind the coffee yourself! Boom.

Makes your evening or morning magical, because you’ll get tired and lonely and scared and happy and worried and nervous. All from grinding your own coffee.

~~~

Speaking of coffee, Atlas Coffee Club is offering a free bag of coffee to new subscribers.

Oh yeah, Atlas Coffee Club is a subscription coffee service that lets you drink coffee from all over the world.

If you want your free bag of coffee on National Coffee Day, go to their website, where you will be greeted with a popup. Go ahead and enter the discount code, which is…

AtlasCoffeeDay17

If you want to order a gift subscription, use the same discount code to receive $14 off any gift subscription.

Huge shout-out to the people at Atlas Coffee Club! They’re pretty cool people, so go check them out!